Don't Hate Me Cause I'm Beautiful...True Story #1

I attended Temple University around 1979, just around the time when Punk and New Wave music was making its mark. I loved it. What people now call Goth, whatever, we called Punk. I wasn't into Sid Vicious. Yikes, no way. Too scary. But I did love New Wave. The kinder, gentler Punk. I wanted to look like JoanJett/Blondie/ChrissieHynde/PatBenetar....bad ass enough, but not heroin user- killer look nonononono.....I also aspired to have Jon BonJovi's perm. Big hair. Big perm. Enough makeup on my face to look like I was auditioning for Cats. Oversized, mens' jackets I bought at thrift shops and I would then cover (jackets) with pins collected from New Wave shows....Elvis Costello, The Ramones, The Clash, all of them. All over me.

Back to Temple. Anyhow, while sitting in the auditorium style classroom for my Psych class, a few rows in front of me was this jock. What can I say? This big, blonde, hulky, white bread, corn-fed, letter wearing jacket jock. And every day he would turn his head and give me the hairy eyeball. Every day. Now just because I was from SW Philly doesn't mean I wasn't a scaredycat. 'Cause I was. First though, I was angry, like HEY JOCK, stop giving me the hairy eyeball! Then I would think oh jeez, I am wearing so much makeup and crazyhair and crazyjackets, this jock is gonna jump me. And hurt me. But days would go by, he would turn around at the beginning of class every day and stare at me. Hairyeyeball and all.

One cold winter day I was walking to the subway station after class, and who sidles up next to me. Ugh, that mean jock. Crap. I am literally shaking, not from the cold, but from what's going to happen next. When, he opens his mouth, I am thinking, 'ohboyherewego', but he turns to me and says, quote " You are the most beautiful girl on this campus". Unquote. What??? Hairyeyeball waspy blonde loving jock thinks punk, ala new wave girl (me) is beautiful??? And the most beautiful girl on campus??? Temple's campus?? (Temple was mainly a commuter school in 1979, but there were alot of people) Alot.

Stumped, speechless. Someone thinks I am beautiful. Wow.

I didn't know God then. Not really. Not the way I know Him now. I didn't have the good self esteem thing going for me either. So I was stunned. And beyond flattered. And we dated briefly, but I ruined that... self sabotage...That can happen when you don't see how beautiful you are through the One who created your beauty. You ruin good opportunities, good relationships, good everything when you don't know your beauty, your worth. Your worth because of and through God.

So now I know. And guess what? I am beautiful, 'cause my Father made me that way. Thanks Dad.

I Feel Ya

I talk to people all day long. Mostly about their problems. Sometimes self-imposed and sometimes happenstance. The people are usually confused, frustrated, angry, depressed and anxious by the time I answer my phone.

Sometimes I answer and I am the one who is all of the above..

Sometimes, I get the opportunity to talk to people that have been thrown a curve ball, and I mean a crappy curve ball;  lost their job, lost their spouse, lost their health, and yet, don't bemoan their circumstance, of course they're not happy about it, but they are grateful for any help I can give..in any way. And even if that help is just me picking up the phone, listening to their sad/bad circumstances and letting them rant, me relating to their situation, maybe even making them laugh or maybe even letting them cry. We do both.

It's usually then, when their grateful attitude brings me to tears, quite often actually. Usually they don't know it. Mostly because we are talking on the phone. So I can hold it together, hold back. I do what I can then I am obligated to move the work along. No time to keep in touch.  I have spoken to some folks face to face and some over the phone, many I will never forget. It's like God put me there to meet them, hear their story. Feel their pain. And through feeling their pain, heal mine.

 I've received many thank you notes over the years, but two stand out, funny and touching, both authentic and intentional. One said: "Mr. C-------; Please be happy."

They spelled my name wrong. And clearly they thought : a) I was a man, which happens quite often with my husky voice, and b) I am not happy...? Did I reveal a secret suppressed unhappiness? They included a picture of themselves surrounded by a lovely park-like setting. This note is hanging on my drab, gray cubicle wall. It's a keeper.

The other note is from a woman around my age and to paraphrase, it simply states: "even if at this point, if I can't get any other ..... then thank you for being you. You are one of a kind."  The notes like this one bring on the tears.

I feel their gratitude, their love. Hope they feel mine.

Maria, Full of Grace

Maria, full of Grace.

I am Maria and I am full of grace. You can be too.

Well, you can't be Maria, but you can be full of grace. God's Grace.

All you have to do is admit you are a sinner, and ask God to come into your heart, and that's it.

Done. Graced.

Ok, here's the rub. You are graced and blessed when in reality you really have no right, whatsoever, to have such tender mercies bestowed upon you. Hence, salvation and grace. And for that reason you have to stop acting the way you were. And by acting I mean sinning. And by sinning I mean over-drinking, over-eating, over-talking, over-judging. And this is hard. 'Cause we don't think we are over-anything most of the time, 'cause we just plodding along lalalalalala...God loves me, I love Him, lalalalala.

I have done most of these things plenty of times. Drank too much, smoked too much, ate too much, judged too much....and I sometimes still do. I am not proud of it, but I am not gonna lie or hide it. And I don't want to keep repeating it. 

I do it because I am not feeling the grace I have been given. I let how I feel dictate how I behave. Big mistake. I have already been graced, but if on one particular day I'm not feeling it, I just behave badly. Knucklehead. Once you've been graced, it's done. Don't let your emotions lead you to believe you are not loved, or not graced. His Word is His Word, whether you feel it or not. Actually, feelings have absolutely nothing to do with God's grace.

So like I said earlier, you can be graced too, you are loved immensely by the One who made you. You and I may wake up feeling empty, but we are still full of grace. 

No matter how I feel, I still will ALWAYS be Maria, full of grace... so, right before that glass of Moscato hits my lips and forks full of cake go flying down my throat and right before I chime in about something or someone...Grace, Maria, Grace. 

You're full of it.

Instead of being all tucked in, I am all junked up

Some people are all tucked in. Everything looks right. Manicured. I am the opposite. I am all junked up. 

I don’t know how to go from all junked up back to all tucked in. Not that I was ever tucked in anyway....There’s no silver linings playbook here. No romantic movie ending from a junked up feeling inside. The feeling you’re losing it. Whatever it is. 

You can’t take much more and you feel that you don’t even have the right to feel mental suffering, because so many people in the world are suffering physically and mentally. Horrid suffering. So why do you suffer? I suffer for my children.

How do I take my child’s suffering, swallow it whole and relieve her of the mental and physical anguish? I want to be the pill she needs to calm her down, I want to make everything better, just like I did when she was little. But she's not little anymore, she's a young woman, living far away in another state, feeling alone, feeling the stress of being far and away. I feel it too. I feel it for her. I was never that brave. I never graduated college, picked up and moved 3000 miles away from everything I knew, to start anew. 

Unfortunately, as with everything, even bravery, there comes a cost.

I send her books, tell her to read page 110 of Battlefield of the Mind, read 1000 Gifts again, read Fearless, not to worry, things will work out. Don't be so hard on yourself. Pray, I tell her, pray. Little does she know my praying and reading are for me just as much as for her. 

Don't worry if you change your mind and decide this career choice isn't for you. We will figure it out. That should be a bumper sticker.....we will figure it out!. I'd buy it and slap it on my bumper.

I want to tell my daughter it's all gonna work out, but I don't that it is. Does anybody? 

All I know is I the more tucked in I want to her and I to be, the more junked up we become.  

The Social Network

Why does everyone on Facebook look like they’re having such a great life, filled with LITERALLY thousands of friends, updates of the latest trip they’ve taken, or a picture of the last gourmet meal they’ve eaten. Beautiful family photos, videos, lots of one-upmanship…… The Social Network.

I remember when people didn’t have hundreds, even thousands, of friends, when people actually picked up a phone and spoke to you, no texting, no status updates or comments....do I or anyone need to know you’re at a sports event or a concert, or worse, Target?

Alas, that will not be the case, as Facebook has replaced so much personal interaction and allowed us to present ourselves in the loveliest of lights, photoshopping our lives,  not completely truthful, maybe? It’s encouraged our society to parade our experiences, escapades, flaunt our resources, purchases, our academic prowess, and all our brilliant ideals and beliefs………..spin city…….I’m guilty of it as much as you are.

I ashamed to say I even enjoy the rants people put on their wall. The smart-alecky, stinging quotes from themselves or from hip, sarcastic websites. I also enjoy the sad, heartwrenching, romantic quotes, vidoes. Sentimental fool, I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I AM NOT BASHING the social network. It can obviously bring The Word, joy, comfort and connection to many lonely, Lord-loved starved people. Hey, I was one of those people most of my life!

However, while having a conversation recently with a friend about the challenges of living with our young adult children, she exclaimed, “but you and your girls look so happy on Facebook!” Wow, that got me thinking about how tricky the social network REALLY is. I just chuckled and replied, “you’re seeing a snapshot, not the whole picture”…it’s like seeing the scene from The Godfather when Michael Corleone is kissing his brother Freddie, you might think from that particular shot they are a happy couple,  just two guys who love each other…certainly not the whole picture. Not the true picture. 

Luckily, I eventually snap out of it, get off the computer, and read the Bible. No Spin City in the Bible. 1PETER 24: “ ALL MEN ARE LIKE GRASS, AND ALL THEIR GLORY IS LIKE THE FLOWERS OF THE FIELD; THE GRASS WITHERS AND THE FLOWERS FALL, BUT WORD OF THE LORD STANDS FOREVER”.

I also love when Paul says in 2CORINTHIANS 10-7: YOU ARE ON LOOKING ON THE SURFACE OF THINGS. IF ANYONE IS CONFIDENT THAT HE BELONGS TO CHRIST, HE SHOULD CONSIDER AGAIN THAT WE BELONG TO CHRIST JUST AS MUCH AS HE.

 

Truth and Righteousness abound, salvation and love is flaunted, not resort trips and fancy dinners, concerts or sporting events.

Boasting in the Bible does abound as well, 2CORINTHIANS 12-5: I WILL BOAST ABOUT A MAN LIKE THAT, BUT I WILL NOT BOAST ABOUT MYSELF, EXCEPT ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES. Boast in my weakness. Oh how I love that line, as I have so many weaknesses. That’s my kind of boasting!

I think my next FB status update there will be no spin city: I didn’t go anywhere, I’m not buying anything, the food I am eating is not fancy enough to plop on Instagram, but hey, I am alive, God loves me (and you too)……….nice.

JOHN 3-20: BUT WHOEVER LIVES THE TRUTH COMES INTO THE LIGHT, SO THAT IT MAY BE SEEN PLAINLY THAT WHAT HE HAS DONE HAS BEEN DONE THROUGH GOD.

Standing in Awe of God

I have refrained from writing the past couple of days as I am still lenting on vanity.

 

I cannot think of anything to write that is not vain unless it comes from God. All my thoughts and words seem self-serving and shallow.

 

I read Ecclesiastes 5-2: Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and you are on Earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words.
 

Enough said.

Here He Comes To Save The Day.......

Vanity, thy name is (insert name here)....

Lent is the time for sacrifice. I've decided to give up my vanity for Lent. Did I say it was gonna be easy?

Vanity is the single most trajectory leading to sin. Vanity's lover and best friend, Pride, assist perfectly in their common goal--sin.

I am vain. You are probably too. Ok, sure you're not, uhumm, never underestimate the power of denial #americanbeauty. I can't think of one person, other than Mother Teresa, that I know of, that is not vain. Completely humble. Ok, maybe Pastor Harry Pressley, (I listen to The Shepherd's Heart on 90.5 fm) Nonetheless, I am not just the "do I look attractive" vain, but the real vain. Ego-driven, highly sensitive, slightly, ok, a little more than slightly paranoid. I want to be original, but I want people to like me and fit in which is motivated by vanity.

The tears are vanity.

Seeking approval from others is vanity.

Annoyance with others is vanity. Liking others is vanity.

Distrust in others is vanity. Trusting others can also be vanity.

Self-idolaty is vanity.

Competition is vanity.

Jealously is vanity. At this point, is there any characteristic of humans that does not begin with vanity??

Recently, my youngest daughter's Facebook status stated: "money is the root of all evil". To which I commented, "no vanity is. trust me on this one." Trust me.

How do you get rid of vanity?  This is where Grace, only God's Grace has to step in and save the day!!! When I feel God's Grace, and yes I do actually feel it, then I feel void of vanity. When I give gratitude, to the One who Gives It All, then I feel void of vanity. When I feel empathy for someone or for many, then I feel void of vanity.

Problem is, doesn't seem to last very long.

Our culture, our world says memememememememememe...how is this affecting ME?

God is teaching me, to think how is this affecting Him? Glorifying Him? How is my behavior, or my words, affecting others?

Here He Comes To Save The Day....and He Ain't Mighty Mouse. But He sure is Almighty.

The Perks of being a Single Wallflower

 

About 4 years ago, I was a single wallflower. Didn’t fit in. No boyfriend. No bars, no clubs, no internet dating websites to meet a boyfriend. Just a single, divorced 40-something, which on paper, sounds pretty grim, by today’s dating statistics.

 

But you know what? I didn’t mind, not one bit.

 

Not at all. Never. Ever. Really.

 

After being married for 18 years, I had had enough of companionship. I was married for over 18 years (21 total years of togetherness) and being alone for the first time since 1981, was well, not lonely. I felt no stigma not having a boyfriend, no awkwardness when I attended weddings alone. None of it.

 

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. For the first time in 20 plus years, I HAD CONTROL OF THE REMOTE! ARE YOU HEARING ME PEOPLE, CONTROL OF THE REMOTE! No football, no baseball, no hockey, no 610 WIP radio shows while driving, no newspapers scattered throughout the house. And ohmyword: no pay per view boxing. Yeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssss.

 

Got to cook what I wanted for dinner, got to listen to The Bangles while driving, got to watch Martha Stewart, yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Babble on the phone with my gal pals, wander around stores without a guy looking bored and impatient with me and waiting for me to leave. Ahhhh. 

    

Of course, while thoroughly enjoying my singleness, I did have to raise 3 daughters, which by the way worked out perfectly, as they weren’t toddlers, they did not read newspapers, and never insisted on listening to 610 WIP while driving. Nice.

 

So singles, enjoy this autonomous time, this lovely season of not having to confer with a counterpart, just have fun! 

 

And remember, this may be the only time you’re ever gonna get the remote.

 

EVER.

My love letter to Ann Voskamp

I am writing a love letter to Ann Voskamp. I know what you're thinking.... no I don't and nor do I care. I am still writing it. 

Dear Ann,

A year ago January, I was so anxious and panicked and distraught about so many things in my life, I started waking at 4:00 am, every morning. I could not sleep. No pill could help me sleep through the night. I would wake in a panic, and so as I would not disturb my then fiance, I would go downstairs, to my daughter Rebecca's bedroom, sit by the heater and think. Sometimes, lots of times, I would call my best friend, and we would talk for two hours, 'cause that's what best friends do. They listen, and talk to you even in the earliest of mornings.  

One morning I was so upset, with so many things I knelt at the end of Rebecca's bed, (oh did I mention she's away at college and hasn't slept in her bed in almost 4 years), anyway, I knelt and started to pray. I haven't prayed in this child-like manner since I was a child. I felt like George Bailey, just talking to God, pleading for His help. I was so lost.

I don't why but I glanced at Rebecca's bookcase, it had so many religious books on the shelves. At least 4 different Bibles. All types of Christian literature, I did not know then who these authors were, Max Lucado, Tim Keller, Jon Courson, whoever, but I pulled a book out randomly. No thought whatsoever. It had a beautiful picture of a young girl's hands holding a bird's nest with two robin's eggs. That book was 1000 Gifts, written by you, Ann Voskamp. 

The hand written inscription was not meant for Rebecca but for our mutual friend, Jess, a woman I adore, and the inscription Jess' friend had written, intrigued me so much I started reading 1000 Gifts.
Well, it changed my life. At first I admit, your style of writing, poetic prose, different and liquid and a little hard to digest. No self-deprecating jokes, no sarcastic, wry quips. Just unabashed love. Wow. What was I reading? A biography, a memoir, fiction, it didn't matter, 'cause I couldn't stop reading it.  You, Ann Voskamp, brought me to God. Actually, God came and clumped me on the head through your words.

I tried telling my friends about it, and well, last year, the book hadn't blown up yet. It was on the New York Times' Bestseller List, and still everyone I told, they hadn't heard of it.  I would email sentences to my daughters, paragraphs even, I was so moved. I even emailed my Pastor, so engorged with the passion of this book and my newfound passion and love for God, I was gonna teach him somethin'.


Delusion and inspiration walk a paralled path. 

But Ann Voskamp, thank you. Thank you for getting me through last winter, this winter, and  those lonely moments in work, when tears began to run down my cheeks, I would pick up your book and start reading. And I would pick up my steno pad and start writing. All the little things I am so grateful for. Grateful to Him. Grateful to you.

I try to live by "Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle".  And in fact, I count you Ann, as one of my 1000 gifts. 

Love, Maria.

Ann's website: www.aholyexperience.com

Sex, Lies, and Videotape

I have seen this twisted, interesting, 'first of it's kind' low-budget, independent film years ago and it freaked me out a little. The movie's got it all: marriage, adultery, possessiveness, rage, and a media staple in 1989, the videotape, aka, the camcorder. Oh, and of course one of my favorite actors, James Spader. (he really plays a great creep, spot on).. The characters are self serving and not really likable. 

I am now reading Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. (Nice segway, right?) Or rather, my husband is reading it aloud, one or two pages a night, so we can both experience it. And I like to hear him read aloud. Or 'out loud' as we say in Philly, I am from Philly so I can say either. 

Anyways, I gotta lotta work to do.

Yes I already knew marriage was hard. Trust me I knew and know how hard navigating a successful, intact marriage can be. Especially if you and your spouse are not on the same wave length when it comes to spirituality, family, money, and possessions. Slippery slope. Already went down that slope, and I got the t-shirt.

Now I am learning (in reference to marriage) what Jesus says in Matthew 16:25: "Whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it". 

Tim Keller states, "Paul applies this principle to marriage. Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy, and you will find a new and deeper happiness.......It is because marriage is 'instituted by God'." Ah, Tim, you and your words. Gold.

But, still, I gotta lotta work to do. I want to seek to serve my husband, but, I am an opinionated, impatient, and many times, domineering...ummmmm...(I'd rather use the term: proactive) woman. I thought that's what he loved about me!! Detail-oriented, a bit of a perfectionist. Whatever. I need to learn to love to serve. Serve my spouse. Not just dinner, not just laundry but serving his spirit, his masculinity, his character. I forget, I may mouth a little white lie to get out of something. I get so wrapped in what needs to be done with every day stuff, I miss opportunities to serve him. Or do I deliberately avoid opportunities to serve him? Truth. 

I forget and miss opportunities to serve Him as well. I let days slip by, moments when I could be serving Him, His Greatness. I get wrapped up in the everyday. I forget He is the Giver of Every Day. 

So as I keep reading The Meaning of Marriage, I am going to make a concerted effort to serve him. My husband. And Him, my Creator. I want to love to serve. 

Spoiler Alert: Sex, Lies and Videotape does not have a happy ending. But you already knew that.